Spill Your Juice Specifically and Embrace your Obsession

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I am pretty sure I have met the perfect woman for me. And if she isn’t a lesbian she is open to being with women. 

Jennifer was late and had called about her being turned around and lost twice by that point. I didn’t mind at all, it was actually quite funny and endearing. When she finally arrived and we started talking we just found out with zero discussion that we could be playfully rude and horrible to each other in a way that made us both feel very accepted by each other.

I am pretty sure I have met the perfect woman for me. And if she isn’t a lesbian she is open to being with women. But it is tricky – she is my superior at work though we don’t work in the same area.

And it perhaps shouldn’t have been that way since this was a number of years ago when I was interviewing someone to be a potential housemate – one would think that a certain decorum would have been the starting point of that sort of relationship.

But it wasn’t and with Jennifer Haase it never has been. And it is perfect. We loved each other from the first moment and are playfully wretched to each other in equal measure to standard expressions of deep friendships.

By the way Jennifer Haase has a great new folky album out that has the esteemed Rosanne Cash singing with her on one of the tracks…

I mention this because when A came to me at the table we playfully sneered at each other virtually right away and got to be very forward with each other. It was almost like we assumed our friendship had started at the three year point instead of the three second point.

A was a very, very pretty dyke (her term). Early 30’s Short blonde hair and a classically gorgeous face. She was dressed in white top that was 49% blouse and 51% men’s tailored dress dress shirt with a pinstripe vest and slacks to match. It was upscale butchyness to a severe and androgynous T.

She just had that  cool carriage and the sort of sexual energy that just shone out of her while raising a questioning eyebrow at you that signified both interest and playful disdain. And then she laid out what was going on with her.

I am pretty sure I have met the pefect woman for me. And if she isn’t a lesbian she is open to being with women. But it is tricky – she is my superior at work though we don’t work in the same area. We are about the same age. We get along really well. I have never met anyone like her. I was obsessed. Thinking about her all the time.

So I finally got up the nerve and asked her out. But I was rebuffed. Nicely. But rebuffed. Despite that, my obsession grew. Months later I ended up going to a conference that she was speaking at just to give myself another shot. I went to her panel discussion, I didn’t stalk her.

Well, I sort of stalked her.

We ended up having drinks alone talking about business and I asked her out again and I was turned down again. How can I stop thinking of her? It is distracting. I can’t be in other relationships. I think about her at work all the time. It’s insane. And the fact that she doesn’t want me doesn’t change one thing.

I smiled as she was telling me the story. And I teasingly replied to A

Oh, it must be hard for someone as sexy and desirable as you to get turned down -twice.?

A stuck her tongue out at me and I scrunched my nose back at her.

I said to A that this was a case of “don’t think of a pink elephant” – that once mentioned the idea of a  pink elephant indelibly sits in the mind. It was a funny trick of our language/brain connection that when negative  descriptors/instructions are given they are seen/experienced as positives. So when a parent says “Don’t spill that juice” to a child, the child sees spilled juice in their mind and then after seeing that spreading pool of  sticky juice suddenly there is a little “don’t” that gets tagged on afterward. Atheism is understood as theism – but not. So in asking “how can I stop thinking about her?” – you can’t as long as you are asking the question.

So I offered to A what might be the sort of counter approach that a good girlfriend might give. I suggested that A totally embrace the obsession. Currently her obsession was about a mile wide – all over her life – and a few inches deep. All her current obsession with Woman X was doing was disrupting her daily activities but A was getting none of the benefit.

I told A that she would have to make a very particular time that she would indulge in her obsession. Nightly at 9pm for 15 minutes. Weekly on Saturdays at 4pm – she would select the appropriate time and interval. But during the day when the obsessing distraction came up she would need to clearly tell her mind:

Not right now Mind. I promise you we will think all about her soon. I will indulge every thought but right now we are working.

At the time of her indulgence she would use that time to focus and contain her obsession. She would dress differently than she normally would – ceremonially. She would make paper cut out dolls of the two of them, draw pictures in celebration of their connection, write poems, sing songs, recite prayers, write her name on a sex toy of choice.

The whole thing was sounding pretty erotic even before I mentioned the sex toy and A was sexily biting her lower lip as I was telling her a way to actually dive deep into this thing. I implored her to feel into this experiment like “the discovery of the curve of a new lovers hip as it moves into her leg”. I teased A further “But you probably have never had a lover before and don’t know how nice that feels…”

Jackass. That is pretty cool. In truth I don’t want to get rid of the feeling I  just want to stop being distracted so badly. Thank you for not making me get rid of this.

I made a kissy face in reply.

In indulging in the obsession and actually letting it move through her body (physically and otherwise) she could stop asking the question “why can’t I have her?” because then the simulacrum would stop the mind from asking and allowing her to move on at some point.

We all have great raging fights with distractions and because the fight is constant the distraction is constant. There is no need to fight distractions we only need to create specific spaces for  distraction to live. Be friends with distractions and eventually you will both be friends.

What obsession do you need to stop fighting and embrace?

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Hmmm ... what an interesting idea. I'll have to give it a try. I don't have any obsessions right now, but I can think of a few things I think about that I would do well to schedule for particular times. It's consistent with the way I've started out the new year, assigning time slots during the week for certain tasks, to make sure they get done consistently. Being able to save certain thinking for certain times seems like it would be a great mental skill to have, so now is as good a time as any to start practicing, Great post. I hope you'll follow up and let us know how this approach works for A. Susan

P.S. For those of us who've forgotten our passwords, livefyre poses a pretty big barrier to resetting. It gives you a super long one one to double-type in, and then retype here. Worse than airport security. Justsayin'

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